if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
