Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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