rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
