Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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