Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
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I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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