My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
