Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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