I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
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Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
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I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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