you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
