Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
