yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
