What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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