You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
