So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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