never play flip cup with pint glasses
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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