They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
