M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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