i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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