I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
