Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes