I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
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I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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