Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
