Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
