Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
