fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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