please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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