He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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