capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe