I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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