why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
