I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
