How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
