I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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