Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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