guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
