I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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