I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
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