i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
