Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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