You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Your penis caused this!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
