i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
