If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
