Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
