Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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