thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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