Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
