evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
