Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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