matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
