So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Houston, we have a blender
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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