I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
