So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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