So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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