I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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