If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
